very shaken, very stirred

i had absolutely nothing to do for today. i'm only able to escape the chinese new year duty because my grandmother had passed away less than a year ago and we can't visit any relatives because of that. it's actually a relief, but that's not really a good way to think, is it?

anyway, i decided to stay home and watch a dvd or something. since the player in my room had given up on me more than three months ago and my computer would only play zone 1 shows, i could only watch the show in the living room. i took about 20 minutes to choose my show and get everything ready for the show. snacks, drinks, whatever, all within easy reach.

and then i found out the player in the living room was broke as well. all that preparation for nothing.

"son of a bitch!"

so it doesn't pay to be a cheap bastard and try to accommodate to things. i've been thinking for so long about getting a new player but i just never thought it was important enough. and now that the gravity of it has turned around and whacked me in the head, i find out the shops wouldn't be open for at least another two days.

what a bitch life is.
urgh.

me vs the world

today i went to esplanade to check out the new year decor with the family. less tristan.

it was the first time i actually jumped into the mud with all the other people with nothing better to do than try to asphyxiate each other.

it will be the last as well, cause i hated every second of it.

we reached the countdown area at around 11.45. i stood around watching my wrist-chrono tick my youth away. it seemed to me that every person there only came alive in the last ten seconds of the countdown. at the strike of 12 there was a pitiful display of firecrackers, and then the hordes of people lay down and died at the end of it.

where's the festive excitement? everybody was either fighting or cursing, trying to be the first to get to the car park so they could be the first to leave the place. why didn't they just do the fucking countdown in the car in that case? or do it at home? i felt the urge to scream "FUCK THIS SHIT" just to see the reactions of the people immediately around me. yeah i was that bored.

##############

the only light moments were artificially created by renne and me, just to entertain ourselves.

mum: why's everybody lining up just to go see the displays? let's cross the barriers!
me: who knows.. this is singapore leh, i wouldn't be surprised if we need to pay to get in.
renne: are you kidding? this is singapore leh, if we need to pay you think there'd be so many people trying to get in?
me: ha ha! you're right! it must be free!

also...

renne was leaving to go find tristan...

renne: you want to take the camera?
me: no! go away!
mum: take it la, we might need it later.
renne: be careful hor, my camera strap's very expensive one hor.

camera strap indeed.

##############

everyone who tries to forward chain mails to me should know this.

those messages die when they reach me.

i have just disproved every single one of them. i am not dead. i have not had a million years of bad luck. i have not been visited by sadako or anybody from monsters inc. i have not grown a second head or third eyelid. my sex and sexual orientation have not changed. in short nothing those chain mails claimed would happen has happened to me.

and i do not believe in forwarded well-wishing messages either. please don't send messages if you didn't think it up yourself. seriously, dude, that's so plastic. it's like trying to pass two silicone bowls off as a pair of boobs.

disclaimer: i'm not directing this at anybody in particular, so don't take it personally. the post's title is me vs the world for godssakes.

借刀殺人

today the whole family got together for lunch. i had actually already eaten and was thinking whether to flash my 'engaged' light. but everyone else was going, and it'd reflect badly on me, so i attached myself.

while waiting for the food, tristan dropped a h-bomb.

tristan: father, from next month onwards my company will shift into the cbd area, and i will stop driving and take public transport because there aren't any carparks where i'm going.
father: !!!
renne: !!!
me: !!!

##########

my immediate thoughts...

hahahahaha!!! NOW he'll see the stupid mistake he made when he bought the mini! and he'll regret not getting MY car!! wahahahahaa!! and when i get my bike in the very near future, he's gonna shit a million fucking bricks! oh boy, i can't wait to see that! elle-oh-fucking-elle!! woooooot!!

##########

renne: ...so who's gonna drive the mini...?

tristan and renne both looked at father, and my peripherals informed me he was pointing his chin at me.

##########

my subsequent thoughts...

well, trading the pug for the mini is a good deal. a VERY good deal in fact. and i know for a fact i can fully utilise the power since i seem to be about the only person in the family who knows it has a fucking turbo engine. barring tristan. probably.

suddenly...

waaaaaaait a minute... slow as the pug is, it ain't THAT slow. and it does offer ample comfort. with a 3k-per-year road tax plus a 3k-per-year insurance, i'll never be able to pay for it, and he knows it. and the mini is a 1.6. if i take it over i'll be condemned to spring for the much lower road tax and insurance as well, and then i'll be set so far back i'll never be able to get my bike. hmmm, it's actually a good thing he DIDN'T get me a car to trap me. smart move, old man, but i see through your ploy. hur hur hurrr...

##########

father: you want the m...
me: 我才不要!
father: lol! mini 你都不要!

laugh it off now. we'll see who's laughing soon enough.

whoo... almost died under the well-aimed artillery. good thing my operational brilliance saved me.

------------

i recently got into a little fix. a vespa was posted online for sale and i almost went for it. on the eve of the transaction a person called to seriously screw me up.

i shall not disclose bekev's name to protect his identity.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

ring ring....

me: hello?
bekev: you getting a bike is it?
me: yar....
bekev: what the fuck are you thinking? why are you throwing away munny on some old scrap metal that'll get you killed? you know it's slow. you know the engine cannot make it. you know the tires cannot make it. and they're so small!
me: rela..
bekev: what relax! i know you're crazy about bikes, but you should know how dangerous they are! a car just zoom past them and they'll fucking wobble like siao!
me: i know it's junk shit. i'll ride sa..
bekev: don't fucking come and tell me you're gonna ride safely! it's not a matter of riding safely! you know there are so many fuckers out there on the road. it's not how you ride, it's how those idiots drive! that scrap metal you're getting is subject to everyone's mercy! do you want to enjoy riding or do you want to worry about dying everyday?
me: i can fi..
bekev: ya, you'll fix it. but i tell you lor. you fix one thing, then soon you're gonna have another thing to fix. then another. then another. that vespa's so old you'll never run out of things to fix! if you buy it now you'll never be able to afford your ducati. don't come and tell me you need to ride everyday so you won't lose touch with road conditions. i stopped riding for four years okay? four!!
me: brot..
bekev: and don't tell me you're afraid you won't get used to the power of the ducati lor. you will. brother, i'm worried about your safety okay? i want to ride a big bike with you in the future. you want to die before getting to ride a ducati is it?! you know how long i've been riding right? did i tell you about my friend who downgraded to a runner? he was stopped at a junction when a fucking mercedes van knocked him down okay?! he wasn't even moving okay! then he spent one week in the hospital just to see whether he'll survive. good thing he did, but he had to amputate his leg. just like that, one leg gone. you want that or not? your stupid vespa got even less power than the runner!
me: but i alrea..
bekev: brother, that's the least of your worries now. just call that fucker up and tell him you're sorry you can't make the deal. pissing him off is not a big deal. your life is. i tell you, getting a fucking ducati is only a matter of time. take your time and save up the munny. don't throw it away like this. you only have to lun! luun! luuuuuun brother!!!!
me: lol.. ok ok. you never even let me finish one single sentence! call me only start screwing me.
bekev: i'm not done yet. you come down to my place right now and i'll eat my dinner and screw you some more!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

so i turned down the deal with the vespa dude. he wasn't happy, but the reason i gave him didn't really leave him with much room to maneuver. i told him my parents were worried the vespa wasn't powerful enough and they offered to buy me a duke.

well dude, i am truly sorry, if that's any consolation.

絕招

some days ago i swapped cars with mum. the pug needed to go for servicing but i had to go to school. plus i figured i could have some fun with her new car.

誰知道她比我陰險...

later in the day i showed bekev where i cut my hair, and he was impressed with the hairmaster.

that night we discovered my mum's ploy, and by that time we were already on kpe and the needle was already caressing the 'E' mark.

our lively conversation in the tunnel shriveled up along with our guts, and we eyed the needle, willing it to move upward or at least stay immobile. i'd learned from somewhere that air conditioning ate up petrol, so i switched it off. two minutes later bekev complained about the heat, so i wound down the windows.

bekev: NNNOOOO!!!!!
me: what?
bekev: my hair!!!!
me: LOL!! the petrol's more important than your stupid hair, bitch!

then i crawled the car outta the tunnel and took the nearest exit where i knew for sure there'd be a station.

bekev: turn right. then later turn left, then you'll reach the station in no time.
me: which one are you talking about?
bekev: the shell next to the hong kong cafe lo.
me: so far! and it's mostly upslope. we should go left, there's one right next to defu lane.
bekev: ok. we go your way. if it stops halfway you do the walking.
me: never mind. turn right right? we go your way. later if stop you walk.
bekev: turn left turn left! you walk!
me: 你這個 seebee...

so we went my way and made it.
what a relief.

school...

first day of school, and i only remembered last night.

didn't turn out too bad, though. i only managed to be late for an hour and a half cause i misread the timetable. and i had to fight traffic. and i forgot to print the lecture notes. and i forgot to even bring writing paper to take notes.

what a marvelous day.

lust: girls experience it too

i won't talk so much cock today.

click this bitch

there you have it.

a special thanks . . .

. . . to our wonderful people in white for bringing the smoking ban to even greater heights. we are now no doubt the world pioneers in smoking bans and i bet we qualify for a guinness record.

highest density of non-smoking areas per square kilometer.

come on, wake up can? this is a high-stress society and smoking happens to be the only legal activity we can fall back on ok?

think about it. i bet at least half the banking population resorted to smoking during the credit crunch. what else is happening? oh, thanks to the age restriction kids are now back to sniffing glue for recreation. and now they're banning smoking in even more places. so what's next? i predict the next few months will reveal a spike in crime and suicide rates.

you see why i'm seriously entertaining thoughts of migration?

yes, they have given this country much peace and stability. and yes, they have made this country a good place to bring up your kids. but the winds have changed, and they're not keeping up.

ever wonder why most singaporeans live and work in singapore? because no one else wants us, that's why. we've been raised as a docile class and we feel no need to explore. we're like the unborn child reluctant to leave the mother's womb. we have no sense of adventure, we feel no need to expand. yes, we're strong, but only within this country. don't believe me? just ask your friend whether he or she would like to go to malaysia this weekend and evaluate the response yourself.

you know what we've been conditioned into? little princes and princesses. everywhere i go i see people screaming at service staff because they've been made to wait an extra ten minutes. yeah, we're asking questions, but are we asking the right questions? i don't think "what kind of service is this!" is a good question. i think "can you explain the exact purpose of the erp system?" would be a better one. i followed the exchange between a private citizen and a representative of the lta in the newspapers, and the lta guy did a spectacular job of evading every smart question the citizen threw at him.

times are achanging. the old tactics no longer work. passing a senseless law and then letting us know after it's been passed and irrevocable is no longer a viable option. what they need to do is show this country's citizens what a great place this is and entice the youngsters to want to stay. in that respect they're not doing a good job, because everyone i talk to sees better prospects abroad.

i'm not going to blatantly lie on my own blog. yes, i'm still smoking. yes, this expansion law has inconvenienced me. and yes, i'm pissed. but read the whole thing again if you will. i'm not lashing out. i'm just pointing out the faults in the system. anybody diasgree?

actually i don't care either way. this is just a noisemaker post.